Shine A Light
by ScaliaFics94
Summary: Love, Simon AU: Cheryl is outted via her emails with her secret online girlfriend who's not ready to come out, so they end things. Fast forward to Senior year and Cheryl is looking for someone to fill the spot Jess did. When she literally runs into the new girl she feels like she's found the girl who could want more with her.


This fic is heavily inspired by Love, Simon. I've been spread thin the last few weeks. I've got a lot of things that I want to do so apologies that my fanfiction has to suffer from it. I'll figure out what I'm doing with my other Choni fic and I'll let you know but it probably won't be much longer.

The song for this fic is BANNERS - Shine A Light

CHERYL'S POV:

Riverdale was a small town with a small town mind at times. I was far from feeling like it was the home I always wanted. The residents were snooty and discriminative. Not just with Kevin and I for being gay, but I'd seen a handful of looks thrown Josie's way when she wasn't looking.

The three of us had a tightly knit circle with the acception of Jughead who floated between us and his childhood clique. However, the three of us had been there for each other since middle school. I flocked to Kevin first because I knew he was gay. He was open about it. Unafraid. Something I'd been so jealous of because I hadn't had any luck figuring out who I was back then. Josie moved to town shortly after, her mom soon got involved in the town's politics. She felt like no one wanted to be her friend because of it. Naturally, Kevin and I spotted the oddball in her and we haven't let her go since.

We were a lot more sure of ourselves. Josie had her music that she loved like it gave her breath. Kevin was an athlete and it gave him enough social presence so the students weren't afraid to talk to the gay kid.

That was the thing here in Riverdale, either you were as liberal as they came or you turned your head in quiet contempt. Thankfully, the student body had been fairly welcoming. But it hadn't always felt that way.

When my emails got leaked between my secret girlfriend and I onto the school's Tumblr I wasn't sure how I was going to show my face. The halls felt miles long those first few days. Some talked to me. Some didn't. Josie and Kevin were shocked but they weren't that shocked. Kevin most of all.

"Do you think I haven't been there?" He had said one day when I escaped to the bleachers at Lunch when it all became too much. "You've never shown much interest in guys, not like I have or like Josie has. You clammed up a lot when they approached you. And you were obsessed with Hayley Kiyoko. I was waiting for you to come to me."

That week felt like it wouldn't ever end. I had to tell my mom, who wasn't thrilled about it due to her traditional upbringing. "Are you sure, maybe you haven't found the right boy?" She proposed when I told her. As a result, home wasn't home anymore.

Josie wanted to gush over everything to the point where I asked her if she was into girls, which she wasn't. She wanted to know all about the girlfriend I'd been hiding from them for months.

Her name was Jess. She lived in California, or so she told me. She was interested in the Arts. She liked that I could make her blush from a million miles away and that even though we had never seen each other she couldn't stop thinking about kissing me. She was the first girl I had ever loved. And the last. She was so far into the closet that I couldn't pull her out with pizza and ice cream, and she loved those foods dearly. I didn't want to break things off but I was forced out in a way and I had no interest in going back into the darkness. So I wrote my last email and declared that if we had any chance of being together then she had to make the leap. She didn't. I couldn't push her out so we ended things.

That had been almost a year ago.

Now I was far more comfortable in my skin. I went through the all the lesbian looks you could imagine until I found my niche. Choosing my fashion sense had maybe been one of the hardest things ironically. There was this unsaid pressure to look a certain way and act a certain way. I'd had my jaw slapped quite a bit from the girls at Riverdale High from the crude delivery of pickups. I learned what worked and what didn't, but it was a learning curve. I tried to fit everything lesbian into my new life so fast that it was a mess for the first couple of months. I had doubts that this was the path I was to take which is so scary after your out because it feels like you're not allowed to go back and change your mind or reconsider.

Now it was the first day of Senior year. I was ready to get the day over before it started.

The date I had last night was complete shit. She was not interested in anything beyond sex, which I would've been okay with had I not felt a void in my chest ever since Jess and I stopped emailing. I wanted that again. Maybe I could've reached out to her but I'd made it very clear that I wasn't okay with her closeted life, which I knew wasn't fair because had I not been outed then I would've still been in the closet perhaps. And I hadn't exactly told her my real name, so I knew I was a hypocrite. But I wasn't and it wouldn't have been fair to carry her secret with me when I'd just began learning how I worked. So I didn't message her.

I got dressed a black hoodie and slightly baggy jeans with my new pair of burgundy Nikes. I threw my straightened hair up into a messy topknot, then grabbed my denim sherpa jacket because it had been chilly when I went out for my morning gym run. I'd put on a like ten to fifteen pounds of muscle so I wouldn't look like such a schoolboy.

I drove to school in my Black Lincoln. When I came out to my mom I decided some independence was in order. I used some of my trust fund to buy myself a car so I could escape whenever I needed to. And it made for a better start to my school days when I scooped up Josie and Kev for morning iced coffee runs.

"All I'm saying is that I would have better luck finding a boyfriend than you," Kevin teased. "I'm better eyecandy."

Josie looked at me in the passenger seat and laughed. "Then why haven't you found one?" She teased back.

I snorted a laugh.

They went back and forth in good nature all the way to school. I couldn't shake the loneliness I was destined to have this year. Their were girls at school that were definitely interested in me but would never admit it. If they did they only wanted to experiment, which I did for a while until I couldn't stop feeling like I gave a piece of myself that they hadn't. They wouldn't look me in the eyes in the halls or in class or at school dances. It was very isolating. Tinder dates weren't any better. I would travel out of town to meet them and they'd only want to fool around for that night.

I supposed Kevin went through this too, but we never talked about it. We put on this everything is great act so no one saw just how lonely we were.

Our entrance into the school played out like how it did every year, with us scoping out the student body, the admittedly young fresh meat, and feeling like there were new possibilities for us to reinvent ourselves when all we were gonna do was continue to brood to ourselves about how college was going to totally not suck ass compared to this semi circle of Hell.

Josie squeezed my arm. "Oh my God, look how cute Chuck looks this year."

I stared down at her. "Wrong gay."

She reached for Kevin so they could properly gush.

I spotted Veronica walking with her new boyfriend Archie Andrews, part of Jughead's clique. She'd been one of the girls that I secretly fooled around with over the Summer.

She saw me and tightened her hold on Archie's hand and looked away like the time we spent together was a summer fling to be forgotten. Maybe in girl's like Veronica's head that's all I'd ever be. Someone's walk on the cunnilingus side.

"I'm pretty sure he's checking you out." Kevin told Josie.

She blushed and looked away.

I gave a solemn grin. If only it could be that easy for me, but this was Senior year so I needed to focus on academia anyway to get into a college big enough to disappear in.

The three of us parted ways for first period.

I pushed through the double doors leading to the next hall with a quick glance at my phone, but by the time I looked up I was already in the path of another, and then we collided.

Their books fell to the ground.

I bent down at the same time they did. The smell of cocoa butter, paint, and the outdoors hit me. "Sorry, I-"

We locked eyes as we crouched to collect the books. I hadn't planned on this part. The part where I saw a beautiful girl and every intelligible thought left my mind. I just sort of gazed at her. She had to be new, she had to be. No one at our school had ever looked like her.

She had soft-looking cocoa skin, big brown eyes with thick lips. There was a small mole by her lip. Her hair flowed down her shoulders in a wavy rose-gold. Her hand touched mine when we held onto the same book. It was like a zap of electricity woke me up to my surroundings, to the gorgeous girl in front of me and I knew before anything began that I was in deep shit from one look at her. It all felt like it happened in slow motion.

"It's okay," She tore her eyes away from my face in a way you did when you thought about kissing someone, then she gathered the rest of her books.

We stood, an uncomfortable air between us.

"I should've been looking where I was going..." I trailed off when she decided to stop listening to me and walk away.

She missed one book so I scooped it up and went after her.

"Hey," I started.

She kept on in her biker boots. Her perfume wafted behind her, she smelled so clean and pretty. And delicious.

I kept her pace slightly behind her so she'd feel like she had the control here. "You forgot one." I offered it.

She snatched it back. "Thanks."

My brow raised at the sass. "What's your name?"

"Why?"

"Because I want know you," I found that being upfront about my intentions with a girl I was interested in usually paid off, maybe not always how I wanted but at least I'd know if they were into it.

She somehow lost a grip on all of her books. She let her head fall back with a slight sigh before she went to pick them up again.

I crouched to help her again. A lazy grin found my lips. "Are you usually this clumsy or is it just around me?"

She didn't like that joke. Like at all. She turned red and huffy.

"Did I strike a nerve?" I was usually quite good at striking other nerves but I didn't say that for fear of a hard slapping. Although, from her, I might like it.

She met my eyes. "I'm just trying to get to class without as much embarrassment as possible, okay?"

"So you are new? I would've noticed someone like you here before." I thought it came across smoothly until she gave me a perplexed look.

"What? Someone Black?"

My mouth fell open a bit. "What? No." I felt a fluttering of nerves with her eyes on me. "One of my best friends is Black." Then I realized that the piece of information didn't really matter in this case. In fact, if she thought I was coming across with prejudice then it really didn't matter.

She stacked her books in a uniformed fashion, then preceded in the direction of her class.

I wanted to go after her again but it felt best to let our interactions cool off for a bit. I watched her go in those tight jeans. Hopefully, she'd realize I meant no ill will and I wanted to get to know her. Even if she didn't spend her first class thinking about that, I spent mine thinking about her. Who she was. Why she moved here of all places her Senior year in high school. Why she wanted nothing to do with me.

The bell rung for second period. The first day of school was really like a lazy day on student and teacher's end. We went over the syllabus, then barely grazed what this school year would bring.

My class before Lunch was History. I saw a few familiar faces. A few guys that were into sports dapped me up, thanks to Kevin I was friendly with a good amount of them. I noticed the rose-gold hair in the middle of the classroom. She looked down immediately when I looked over which made me smile.

Val, one of the best singers at school, walked toward the group of guys and I. Did I mention I'd been trying to hit that for a while? Cuz I'd been trying and she'd been teasing but never playing.

"Hey, Cheryl." She walked past us in her shorts that were bordering on school dress code.

One of the guys playfully hit my chest. "Dude,"

We watched her take a seat.

She offered a sexy smile.

I gave her the lazy smirk that most girls found attractive, even if they weren't into girls.

When the teacher came in we took our seats, but I found myself checking out the new girl.

I raised my hand during attendance. "Here." I kept my gaze on her.

She felt it, her gaze flickered to mine a few times until it held.

I wanted to go over there and ask her all of the things a person should know about someone so I could get to the part of kissing her and holding her hand in the hallways. I could still feel where her hand touched mine earlier and I prayed that she did too.

She tore attention away to look at the teacher. "Here." She kept her gaze down on her notebook for the rest of class. No matter how many times I looked her way she wouldn't look up. Maybe I broke her.

I wanted to stick around and offer to walk her to Lunch but I didn't want to push her. She seemed shy. Or maybe it was the new school. After she got accustomed to the environment I could run a bit more game on her.

The void came back when I walked toward the cafeteria. I pulled up my old secret email and read through a few of the messages. During Lunch, my thumb hovered over the compose email button. I wanted so much to simply send Jess a message to check in with her but it wasn't that simple. So I locked my phone to focus on my friends for a distraction.

Josie went on about how Chuck talked to her in the halls, how charming he was, and seemingly nice. All I could hear was the love story I was destined to not have.

I know that Kevin felt it too, but again, we didn't talk about it.

"Hey, Jug." Kevin greeted behind me.

I swung a leg over to make room for him on the bench. I hadn't expected the new girl to be beside him.

"Hey," He gestured to her. "This is my cousin Toni. She just moved here.

She greeted everyone with a smile, then she looked at me with hesitation.

I couldn't help the half grin that came to my face when I looked at her.

Jughead looked between us. "You two met already?"

"Something like that." I gazed at her.

She held it for a few seconds before she lowered her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ear.

Jughead nodded. "Alright, you guys mind making her feel welcome."

I was about to say something that warranted a slap but then Josie kicked me under the table. So instead I went with, "We'll do our best."

He sat down on the table top with the apple in his hand.

Toni sat on the bench on the other side of him. "Hi." She offered a hand to Kevin.

He shook it. "I'm in love with your hair. Where'd you get it?"

My mouth dropped open.

"Kevin!" Josie admonished with a slap on his arm.

I looked at Jughead for his reaction.

Toni surprised us by laughing.

We all stopped and stared at her. Maybe the others had other reasons for staring but I was caught up in her laughter.

The rest of us joined in and Lunch wasn't so bad with the added addition. Jughead eventually went over to talk to his friends but Toni stayed with us. There was an awkward moment of waiting to see if she went along with him.

"So, how are you liking it here so far?" Josie asked with a smile. She gave me a brief stink eye for scaring the new girl.

I took a swig of my water and pretended to be less interested than I was.

She twisted the silver ring on her finger around. "It's not so bad. People are pretty nice. They're excited about the new toy but it'll fade in a few days I'm sure."

"That's not what they're excited about," I eyed her.

Josie was about to cut in but Toni turned her gaze toward me. Her brow lifted. "What are they excited about then?"

I leaned over to whisper in her ear.

Her body stiffened from my closeness. The blush on her skin looked so cute. A sense of pride filled me that it was because of my doing.

She was about to come back with a retort when Veronica and Archie came to the table.

They chatted with the others casually while Veronica acted as if I wasn't there. Well, she treated me decent but there wasn't any genuinity in her voice.

I found myself resigned from the conversation. I wanted to get up and walk away but I didn't want Veronica to think she held any power over me, so I stayed.

My phone buzzed with a call from my mom. "Hey,"

"Are you coming home after school today? I'm going to put fresh flowers at Jason's grave." She asked.

I got up from the bench so I could talk privately. As messed up as it was, I tried not to think about JJ over the years. He wasn't mean to anyone, he always kept to himself. He commited suicide from the bullying at his old Prep school two and a half years ago. We didn't know about it until Headmaster contacted us about "the situation". I was so mad at him for a long time for not telling me what he'd been going through until I let myself let it go. In order to do that, I had to let him go. Probably wasn't the healthiest of choices but I couldn't carry that weight on top of the gay secret then.

"No," I told her.

I didn't want to go back there this year. Even with my sexuality out there it didn't feel like I had the strength to open up that wound that I never really healed. I just put a band-aid over it and kept it moving.

"But-"

"Hey, we've got to get back to class," I rushed out. "I'll see you later."

She hung up before I could apologize.

Why should I have to apologize though? Why couldn't we let that shit go and move on with our lives? Well, I know why she couldn't. He was the perfect child to her. The one she used to brag about. 'Jason's in a fancy Prep school on scholarship.' 'Jason's GPA is a 5.0' 'Jason's got a girlfriend.'. We later found out that he was doing adderall to get that 5.0, he was so focused on impressing everyone around him that he stopped taking care of himself. He never had a girlfriend. He lied about that too.

In a foul mood, I walked to the table to grab my things.

"Hey, was that your..." Kevin trailed off.

I gave him and Josie a look. "I'm fine."

The table grew so quiet.

I shouldered my bag. "See you guys later." I dropped my gaze down to Toni's for a second. What would I have said? So I walked away.

The library was so empty as it should be on the first day of school. I pulled up my secret email on my phone and didn't hesitate to hit compose email.

 _Dear Jess,_

 _I know I probably shouldn't be doing this but it's already the first day of school and I don't know if I can get through it alone. I miss you._

 _Love, Taylor_

Taylor was my middle name. It was who I always envisioned my gay self becoming, but it didn't feel right changing my name along with everything else. I didn't have the heart to ever tell her my first name.

I signed out of the email, then went to go sit in my next class with only twenty minutes left or so. Writing had been my thing lately so I turned to that. With my notebook out, I sat on the desk and tapped my pen on the blank paper until the words came to me.

"Hey,"

My eyes lifted from the pages I'd wrote to find Toni.

She came through the back entrance of the classroom, she stood a few feet into the classroom with an unsure look on her face.

"Hey," I greeted. I was about to finish writing but her continuous gaze made me look up again. "Are you okay?"

She gestured to herself.

I nodded with a slight grin.

Her face blushed. "Yeah. I mean, I guess." She realized she was frozen in place, then she awkwardly picked a seat with a row of space between us. "What about you?"

My elbows leaned forward on my knees so I could give her my attention. "They didn't tell you everything after I left?"

She put her bag on the desk and couldn't make up her mind between standing and sitting down until she plopped her butt in the seat. "No, they tried to. I wanted to hear it from you." Her eyes went to mine for a second, then she swallowed the lump in her throat and focused on the silver ring on her right index finger.

I debated crossing the space between us but figured for now it would be best to stay put.

"Uh, well. My mom is crazy, but I can't really blame her. We've never been close. Ever since I came out she's put this wall between us. And it's like no matter how loud I'm screaming for her help she can't hear me."

For several seconds I thought I shared too much. But then I saw the trail of wetness that ran down her cheek and my heart stopped. She didn't seem to like me too much but it was nice to know she had a heart. I looked away so she could wipe her face.

"I'm sorry," She said.

I peaked over at her cautiously. "None of this is your fault. Is it?" I asked jokingly.

Her head shook. "No, I don't think so."

I gave a small laugh. "It's not,"

The bell rung. People would soon start flooding the halls and their prospective classrooms.

She looked up and met my eyes. "Tell me about your brother."

So she had listened to my friends long enough to gather that intel.

We stared at each other for a few moments.

Why did she want to know? Why was she so concerned when she couldn't get away from me fast enough earlier? And why did I have no problem with feeling like sharing it all?

I cleared my throat. "Maybe another time," Was all I could say before students filed in.

During that class, I kept my gaze forward.

She had to be the one sneaking glances because I kept feeling the side of my face grow hot with a stare.

I wondered what Jess's first day was like. Probably sunny and fun with palm trees everywhere. That's just how I imagined California. I wondered what it would be like to meet her. Would we hit it off instantly or would there be some awkward tension from having never spoken face to face? What would it be like to grab her face and kiss her? After almost a year, I shouldn't be having those feelings but some of them were still there. They couldn't be helped. She was the first girl I fell in love with, the only one really.

I spared a look over at Toni.

She doodled in her notebook. She felt my stare and looked up. It never failed that she blushed around me. This time she wasn't the one to look away.

After the bell rung, I thought about skipping the rest of the day, it was only Art.

But boy, am I glad I didn't because Toni was in that class too. And so was Veronica.

The class was set up so that everyone had an easel and we all sat in a circle. Color me shocked when Toni came to sit by me. I couldn't help the little laugh I gave.

"What?" She patted her face. "Is there something on my face?"

I looked her over, taken by her beauty and softness. She had no idea. "No," I muttered.

She restrained her smile as she gave the teacher her attention.

That made me grin. I got this fluttery but good feeling in the pit of my stomach just being near her. I couldn't help but think that I get to feel this the entire year. Yet it was hard to read her. She wasn't homophobic. She wouldn't have asked me if I was okay or sat next to me if she was. However, that didn't mean she was into girls. Or into me. Even if I wanted her to be. The ones that hurt the worst were the straight girls that you thought were into you. They hurt because you felt like they felt what you felt. And nothing could compare to someone not liking you back because they weren't interested in your gender.

I had a feeling that Art was going to be our class, the last class of the day. We could let out our energy into the art and be relieved that the school day was coming to an end. I was okay at drawing, the occasional anime character her or there. I was okay enough to enjoy taking this class.

Our assignment for this week was to get comfortable with our art. We could do whatever we wanted on the canvas. I just didn't know what I wanted to convey. I was better at words.

The music that played in the background helped and Ms. Albright suggested we listen to our own music if it helped get us in the zone. I didn't want to be with my own music so I listened to her zen trance-like playlist to open up my heart.

Before I knew it the bell rung, I drew JJ and I. He had a dark cloud over his head. I had weights on my shoulders. I didn't really remember drawing it but I knew I had. There was a grave below our feet, the both of us staring at it.

"Very nice," Ms. Albright encouraged. "I'm glad you're opening up this year."

I jumped a little. "Uh." I gathered my things.

"Don't you want to take it?" She asked.

I headed for the door. "Chuck it, Ms. Albright." I fled the school and waited by my car for my friends. I signed into my secret email to check for a new message. Nothing.

Kevin walked up briskly. "So tell me about what happened between you and Toni."

We leaned against my car.

My shoulders shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. We just bumped into each other early in the day. She's in a few of my classes."

"That's it?"

"What did you want me to say? That I fingered her in homeroom?" My sarcasm wasn't lost on him.

He rolled his eyes. "Obviously not that. Just seemed like there was something there."

I looked over at him. "Did it?"

"It was very rom-com-esque." He checked out one of the freshman.

"Gross, Kev. They're babies." I lazily admonished.

He smiled at the one staring at him with red cheeks. "Not exactly."

I made a face at him and laughed. "That's just wrong."

"What's wrong?" Josie jumped out from behind another car.

Kev and I jumped a little.

"Jesus," Kev cursed, which was funny because he wasn't religious.

She laughed as she tapped the roof of my car. "Let's go. Pop's isn't going to be there forever." She was in a more than a chipper mood.

My brow rose. "What's gotten into you?"

"I had a wonderful day at school," She did a little dance, then leaned onto the roof. "Chuck asked for my number after Lunch. He wants to hang out." Her smile was as big as her face.

"It's about time, how long have you been crushing on him?" Kevin said a bit louder than necessary to tease her.

She shushed him, then checked to make sure nobody heard. When she looked at me she saddened. "What's wrong?"

My head shook. "Nothing," I put on a smile. "I'm happy for you."

And I was. It was just getting old not having the same experiences as hetero people, which wasn't their fault, but I wanted something too.

We got into the car.

My phone dinged. It was an email notification.

Kevin plugged in the aux cord to his phone and roamed for music.

I opened my email.

 _Dear Taylor,_

 _I miss you, too._

 _Love, Jess_

My eyes watered a little but I blinked them away to back out of the parking lot. We waited for the line of cars to move. I noticed Jughead on his bike while Toni got on the back of it.

The two of us made eye contact as we passed.

I wanted to offer her a ride but I didn't think she'd take it.

She offered a half smile instead, maybe it was to let me know that she was just fine on the back of her cousin's bike. Or maybe it was because she could see the sadness in me.

Either way, I gave her a nod, then we were on our way.

A/N: Please let me know your thoughts below. It would help with the direction of this fic. If you want to chat about Love, Simon message me on Tumblr: scaliarunsmylifenowareyouhappy or my new account queerlyanonymous. Again, if anyone needs to talk about anything on their mind send me a chat on my website  .com or email me at thegayswonmeover 


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